let nothing ye dismay

Well, lemme tell you, it’s been a rollercoaster week.

Last week, I was literally bored to tears because the only work I had to do was scan old files so we could get them into our electronic database thingy.  I did this for a straight three and a half days, and by the end of Day 3, I was crying on Kevin’s shoulder from feeling so bored and useless.  All I kept thinking about at work was everything else I had to do – how I have to get my grad school applications in the mail by Christmas, how I have so much wedding work to do still.  I thought about the rough-draft essays and sketchy outlines for the short-answer questions.   I thought about our caterer, and our florist, and our DJ, and our photographer, and how we’re going to pay for them because suddenly all the prices seem to have extra commas in them, and how Linnaea’s doing ordering her dress from Spain, and when I’m going to get wedding shoes, and what I haven’t done yet that I ought to be doing.

Like ordering the official transcripts for grad school.  I just remembered that one Monday night, and spent the next two hours working feverishly in an attempt to get something, anything, done to stave off mass impending failure.  I needed to get something concrete finished and checked off or else I wouldn’t have been able to sleep.

That’s what happened Monday night.  That’s what’s been stressing me out for the last month or longer.  But what do I do in the evenings, and the weekends, when I have hours upon hours of free time to spend on taking care of these two crushingly enormous tasks?

I read.

I go shopping.

That was pretty much all I did this weekend.

And then I use my lunch hour to write this post, instead of cleaning up my application essay.

This week, I actually have a variety of tasks to do at work, which is nice.  However, I keep catching glances of calendars and feeling waves of pure panic.  Not healthy.  And I can’t think of a way to get them to go away, other than to do everything that needs to be done, immediately.

Monday night, around 9:30, Kevin came out to check on me while I frantically went through my checklists.  At this point, I had begun to consider the fact that I wasn’t as doomed as I thought I was.  I ticked off points on my fingers as he patiently let me rant myself into sanity.  The OSU application (the main one, not the program one) had been submitted.  Fee was paid.  Transcript requests were written and ready to be faxed in the morning.  My CSU essay needed only a final polish and then it could go in the application.  The short answers were okay, not great, but I’d started them, and that was a good thing.  Resumes are done.  My letters were accounted for – all but one, and that one letter sent me into another spiral of panic.

And then there’s all the wedding stuff, and according to all the magazines, I should have already booked all my vendors by now.  Ha.

Hrgh.

How do I make this go away?  I know I’m going to get everything done in time.  I got faith, and I got a lot of folks to help if I just ask them to.  I also, apparently, have anxiety issues.  How do I calm down when faced with so much looming stuff that needs doin’?

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5 thoughts on “let nothing ye dismay

  1. Oh jesus, I feel you girl. I don’t have grad school or a wedding to deal with (thankfully) but still, impending doom is something I like to think myself as an expert in.

    Try making a list.
    That always calms me down. Bullet point every minutiae that has to get done eventually and just make it a habit to cross off at least several a day.
    I know I feel better when I break it into little steps, see exactly how much I need to get done, and then (this is probably unhealthy) I actually get a bit of pleasure from seeing a little bit get crossed off every day.
    Just to remind myself that I’m actually making progress, not just treading water 😉
    And breathe. It’s okay. Congrats on the wedding, grad school is going to be great, and things have a habit of working out for the best. 🙂
    Merry Christmas.

  2. Oh boy, you and I are total anxiety twins. The past six months of my life have been like this, and it’s exhausting, isn’t it?

    The only thing I know that works is to keep slogging away at it. Make a list of everything that needs to be done, and just keep doing it all. You’ll feel better every time you cross another point off that list. And it sounds like that’s what you’re already doing, so good job. There’s the old saying: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So just keep munching away on that big grey pachyderm that is your future.

    P.S. I like to call my “To Do” lists “Ta Da” lists instead. That way, every time I complete a task, I cross it off and go “Ta da!”

    • Eesh, six months? I don’t know how you’re still upright. I’ll have a breakdown if this keeps up for that long.

      I’m liking this list idea. Perhaps I’ll draw it on a picture of an elephant, and the elephant will be saying “Ta da!”

  3. From one extreme procrastinator to another, I don’t think the sense of doom goes away until you start being a bit regimented. I sleep easier giving myself small tasks to complete, even if it goes against my constant desire to avoid work– especially important work. I’ve found a lot of success in preparing well in advance for things and giving myself very small bits and pieces of things to accomplish over time– when I did my senior project recently I gave myself word count quotas with the knowledge that if I stuck to them, my project would be done on time, and that worked well. Of course, you can’t always plan in advance… but I’d also say use lots of breaks, too! Work an hour, goof off an hour, say.

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