Dear Portland Drivers,
Your state is infamous for its bad drivers. Of course, any place with roads is going to have bad drivers amongst its majority of good drivers, but I have the most experience with the Oregonian variety. Having lived among you for several years, I have become accustomed to your ways. I’m aware that there are certain days on which every driver in the state will drive five miles under the speed limit. I have mathematically deduced that if you are an Oregonian living west of the Cascades and you drive an overly large pickup truck, there is a 90% chance that you are a douchebag.
Now that I’ve moved back to Washington, though, I saw that it doesn’t have to be this way. As I said, every state has its good and bad drivers, so bad drivers of Oregon, especially Portland, heed me – you can be good and safe drivers. You can. As I said, It will take time and effort to improve your driving skills, learn to read speed limit signs, and reverse this image, but here are a few simple steps to get you started.
1.This region of the country gets more rain that anywhere else in the world (this has been proven by Science). You do know how to drive in the rain. Do not creep along the rainy thoroughfares as if you’re Bambi on ice, because poor rain-driving has been proven to cause aneurysms in other drivers.
2. When merging onto the freeway, do go the speed limit, rather than ten miles under. This faster method of merging is practiced throughout the country and has been met with great success, including higher rates of driver satisfaction and a 15% increase in kittens and rainbows.
3. When merging onto the freeway, do not be eating an ice cream cone.
4. For general safety, it is advised that, on the highway, you do not drive one of those Jeeps that has enormous tires and no roof, from which the doors have been removed.
5. If you are going to drive one of those Jeeps on the highway, do not use it to transport your baby.
Practice these five simple steps and we’ll review your progress in a few months. If your baby is still in its car seat in the back of your doorless roofless Jeep after that time, I will call the police on your ass.