What Not To Wear For Halloween: The 2011 Edition

The Northwest has been downright weird this year.  The last several days – in fact, most of October – have been…sunny.  We’re about an inch and a half below the rain average.  It’s broken 60 degrees on many afternoons.  This has been, in a seasonally appropriate fashion, spooky.

But Tuesday hung out mostly somewhere in the 40s and I buried myself under three layers and a quilt and decided it’s officially Halloween season, hence, the annual What Not To Wear post.

The list is long this year, let me tell you.

The number and variety of terrible women’s Halloween costumes is even more horrifying than usual.  Among the more notable childhood-destroying getups I’ve seen are sexy Mario, sexy Robin Hood, sexy mustard bottle, sexy Alice in Wonderland, sexy Ursula (AAAGH) sexy toddler (ಠ_ಠ), and sexy Smurfette, not to mention a slew of Lady Gagas and Jersey Shore kids (and I’m not exaggerating when I say “kids“).   With “Miss Representation” debuting, it makes all these options look downright nauseating.

The sad part is that it’s really hard to find alternatives.  If you don’t want to be Sexy Fill In The Blank, the other main option appears to be cultural stereotypes a la Pocahontas or a geisha, and you’ll be lucky if those aren’t also “sexy.”  And if you want to be just a little sexy – hey, it’s a holiday for partying, this is a good opportunity for it – your options are also slim.  It’s either spandex miniskirts and push-up bras or nun habits.

Luckily, the Internet has produced a few places to get ideas: look here and here.  And if you want to be sexy, but not Sexy *Insert Profession Here,* see if you can come up with a creative alternative – yes, there are a few things the costume industry hasn’t sexified yet.  For example, I know a girl who went to a Halloween party as a loofah, wearing what I assume was a strapless swimsuit covered in tufts of tulle.  How many people do you know who have dressed up as loofahs?

Me, I’m decided to be a pirate – just a pirate, not a Sexy Pirate.  I was going to be a plagiarist (Jessica’s idea) by wearing the pirate costume with a beret and carrying around famous books with my name plastered over the authors’ with masking tape.  Then I discovered I don’t know how to wear berets, so I’m just gonna be an old-fashioned pirate.

How about you?  What will your costume be? What’s the creepiest or most laughable Sexy ____ you’ve seen so far?


2 thoughts on “What Not To Wear For Halloween: The 2011 Edition

  1. The Hairpin had a great post recently mocking sexy Halloween costumes:


    Sexy Inexplicable Melancholy is my favorite.

    This year I’m planning on buying myself some face paint and doing myself up as a Dia de los Muertos calavera. Not very original, but it might be pretty if I can get my hand steady enough! Not sure about the rest of the costume–maybe I’ll just do all black. I loooove the plagiarist idea, though.

    • Heehee, thanks for sharing! I think my favorite was the Sexy First-Edition “Old Man And The Sea” because that book was so incredibly unsexy. Even less sexy than a smelly sock.

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