This great piece has been floating around Facebook and it’s kept me entertained for a while now. Check out the comments of both the io9 post and the original article for more reader-generated suggestions.
F Scott Fitzgerald: Jaded socialite Edward pines after Bella, who married Jacob because he wasn’t a creepy stalker. He hosts several parties to try to impress her, but when she won’t leave Jacob, he commits suicide by drinking his own blood in view of the green lantern that Bella constantly trips over.
Alexandre Dumas: Bella, wrongfully imprisoned years ago, returns home to Forks with a fake identity to wreak vengeance on Edward, who got bored with his ninety-years-younger wife and had her locked up. Now only seventy years younger and marginally more mature, she teams up with Jacob and manipulates his grudge against Edward to ruin the vampire’s life. Jacob and everyone else Bella knows dies in the process, but it’s okay, because she got her revenge.
Mercedes Lackey: Basically the same story, except all the characters are mages, Bella is an anachronistically strong heroine, and Jacob realizes he’s gay.
Margaret Atwood: Bella submits to being a sex slave for Edward in a near-future dystopia run by
men vampires and populated by genetically engineered animals with cutesy names. Occasionally she reminisces in fragmented sentences about her previous life, when she was kinda-sorta-happily married to Jacob, who respected her only slightly more than Edward does because all men are terrible people.
Philip Pullman: Bella and the physical manifestation of her soul follow her lover Edward into another universe, where he seeks a cure for his condition. Along the way she meets and falls in love with Jacob, a warrior werewolf who wears handmade armor. As they catch up to Edward, Bella realizes that it’s her destiny to pick Edward over Jacob, even though there’s no clear reason why, and during the climactic battle they accidentally kill God.
China Mieville: Bella, an art critic and secret anarchist, is in a forbidden relationship with vampire Edward, a poetic genius who has been de-fanged and banished by the rest of his kind for committing a mysterious crime. They meet in a filthy, sprawling city when he rescues her from genetically modified wolf-man Jacob and, after 700 pages discussing art, political philosophy, racial identity, religion, and social justice, they overthrow the government with the aid of Jacob, who was the good guy all along. Just when you think the book is finally over, Jacob is killed and Bella and Edward have to go on the run.
Bram Stoker: Edward, like a proper vampire, seduces Bella, drinks her blood, and is killed by Van Helsing.
JK Rowling: Edward, Bella, and Jacob are young magicians with fully developed characters who use their individual skills to defeat the Volturi. There are approximately 5 pages in the four-book series that deal with love-triangle drama and the characters get married and become parents at a responsible age.