What Not To Wear: Halloween Edition 2012

The end of October is upon us, which mean Halloween is coming!  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again for partygoers to abandon all vestiges of good taste and deck themselves out in “Sexy ___”…and it’s time for me to get up on my smug high horse of judgment and scorn them all.

Here are some of the highlights I’ve spotted in mailed ads and the skeevier and/or more hilarious corners of the Internet:

1. Looney Luna and Terrifying Tina.   A sexy monster costume I can deal with – colorful monster “spirit hoods,” not so much.  These just make me think of all the sexy Sesame Street costumes, and I’m really not a fan of Halloween costumes ruining anyone’s childhood.  (See also: sexy Mario, sexy Disney princesses, sexy babies.)

2. Sexy Crayola Crayon, in a variety of colors.  What I really want to know is whether or not Crayola actually gave the okay for these.

3. Sexy Wolf.  Pros: warm, shiny, full costume name is “Big Bad Sexy Wolf.”  Possible con: whether you intended to or not, you look like an anime character. (Also available in giraffe and fox, which can be yours for only $230!)

4. Sexy Skeleton.  The boob ribs! Boob ribs.

5. Sexy Honey Badger.  This one could actually have some perks: wear it and start a betting pool based on how many people will yell “Honey badger don’t care!” throughout the night.  You could win back the cost of the costume (and hopefully its sold-separately hood as well).  Props to Vanessa for spotting this one.

6. Sexy Chucky: two words that should never be next to each other, one costume that should not exist.

7. Sexy Hamburger. Come on, if you’re going to dress in a food costume, at least be food-shaped.  Otherwise you’re just wearing a really strange-looking dress.

8. Sexy Urinal. At first I was like, “that’s disgusting, that’s degrading,” but then I was like, “that’s expensive!”  Does that mean it qualifies as art? (More scatological costume ideas here.)

9. Sexy Body Bag Jane Doe.  So much wrong with this I don’t even know where to start.  Dead women are sexy?  Really?  Unless you’re the clever one in a group going as the cast of “Law & Order,” there isn’t really a good reason to wear this one.  At all.

10. And finally, saving the worst for last: Pocahottie, which literally made my jaw drop when I saw it in the flyer.  The “Indian princess” costume has been around for ages, but I’d love to meet whoever thought it was a good idea to name their especially tacky costume “Pocahottie.”  As if Pocahontas wasn’t controversial enough already.  Here’s me joining the annual plea to not minimize, water down, fetishize, or otherwise misuse other cultures for your costume.

Here’s a whole pile of bad ideas to costume-ize instead:

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