The Care & Keeping of a Non-Morning Person

One of the things Kevin has learned about me over the course of being married is that I’m not a morning person.  It’s not that I’m a night owl – I just really, really hate getting up in the morning.  My bed is so nice and warm, and I have such awesome dreams about being a Jedi and fighting zombies, and life’s necessities (a book, water, and Kleenex) are all within reach.  Why get out of bed?  For work?  Heck no!  Hence, I’m a slouchy incoherent grumpmonster until about 10 in the morning, earlier if I get coffee.

If you’re struggling with living with a non-morning person, here are a few tips:

1. Don’t even suggest waking up to an alarm clock when it’s not necessary.  Going on a trip?  Just want to have a few more hours in the day?  Whatever it is, it can wait until my body wakes itself up – which, in my defense, is around 7 or 8, which is not an unreasonable time to get up.  If I have to set an alarm on the weekend, it better be for something awesome, like the Doctor needing me to help save the West Coast from Daleks.  And he has a time machine, so when I wake up shouldn’t even matter.  So there.

2. Do not attempt to engage in conversation before 9 am.  If you need something from a non-morning person before that, bring them tea, coffee, or a cream cheese Danish, preferably all three.  And don’t forget the cream and sugar.

3. Don’t say “good morning,” because it isn’t.  “Morning” will suffice, because that’s what it is.  “Hi” is also acceptable, as it not saying anything at all (see #2).  I won’t take it personally if you don’t say anything to me because frankly it’s in your best interests if you don’t acknowledge my presence.

4. Don’t suggest going to bed earlier.  Most non-morning people aren’t necessarily short on sleep – we just hate getting up before our internal clocks tell us to.  Yes, it would suck to have to get up at 5 if I went to bed at midnight, but you know what, it sucks to get up at 5 no matter what.

5. Breakfast!  Nothing cures a bad case of the mornings like a big, sizzling platter of eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns.  Unfortunately, to have a breakfast on this scale, one must wake up extra early, which is unacceptable.  Therefore, for the sake of the non-morning person, their loved one/roommate should prepare said breakfast for them.  Yes.  You don’t want your non-morning person to be extra miserable, do you?  They already had to wake up from their awesome dream about Wolverine saving them from a tornado.  They deserve this.


6 thoughts on “The Care & Keeping of a Non-Morning Person

  1. My mother needed this advice back starting… well, a LONG time ago. She still forgets when we’re together, but now laughs when I don’t respond to her very chipper “good morning!”s.

    • Arg! That’s both funny and cringeworthy…I would probably snarl at them but then also, yeah, be a little more encouraged.

  2. Oh, how I wish I had somebody to do these things for me. Unfortunately, Mike and I are BOTH extremely non-morning people, but he out-sleepies me by just a hair so I end up dragging my sorry carcass out of bed to make breakfast (or at least put out an apple and a cereal bar for work snacking). It’s a trial, I tell you.

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